Economic Abuse: How to Make Sense of It While You’re in a Relationship 

Economic abuse is one of the most common forms of domestic violence, and one of the hardest to see. It rarely starts with an obvious red flag. More often, it begins with arrangements that look ordinary, even caring, and grows more controlling over time. 

In a healthy relationship, money can be a source of shared security. In an abusive one, it becomes a tool for control. Learning to recognize the difference is a powerful first step toward protecting yourself, your independence, and the people you love. 

What Economic Abuse Can Look Like 

Many couples make financial decisions together out of love and practicality. The two stories below show how some of those everyday arrangements can gradually shift, often so slowly that it’s hard to notice at first. 

When one partner “handles the money” 

Your partner offers to manage the household finances, since they’re more comfortable with money. Over time, they change the account passwords without sharing them or use the personal information you trusted them with to open accounts in your name. 

They insist the bills are paid until past-due notices arrive and the utility company warns it will shut off service. You both earn good incomes, so it makes no sense. When you ask, your partner brushes it off as a minor mistake. 

When one partner stays home 

After your child is born, your partner suggests that you stay home with the baby. Many families make the same choice, and it feels like the right one for yours. 

Over time, the work you do every day is taken for granted, and your partner questions every household purchase. Soon they put you on a weekly allowance, reminding you that they’re the one earning the money. When you suggest a part-time job, they shut the idea down. 

When work becomes a battleground 

You’re excited about a new job, and at first your partner seems supportive. Then they start picking fights the night before big shifts, “forgetting” to pick up the kids so you’re late, or calling you at work repeatedly. After a few warnings, you lose the job, and your partner says it’s for the best. 

Why It’s Hard to Recognize 

Economic abuse isn’t about how much money a couple has. It’s about who has power over it. Researchers led by Judy Postmus define it as ‘a deliberate pattern of control in which individuals interfere with their partner’s ability to acquire, use, and maintain economic resources.’ 

Control is at the heart of every form of intimate partner violence. With money, though, it’s harder to spot. Many couples make financial arrangements and sacrifices for each other, and women most often make them. What we saw growing up, or experienced in past relationships, can also teach us that a certain amount of financial control is normal. 

Where to Get Support 

Reaching out can feel like a big step, and you can take it at your own pace. Whether you’re ready to make changes or just want to talk through what you’re experiencing, support is here for you. 

Through YWCA Northwestern Illinois Family Services, each family receives personalized support grounded in respect and cultural understanding. Our Family Advocacy Center offers case management and parenting education to help families regain stability and self-sufficiency, and our Healthy Families America™ home visiting program helps parents build strong bonds with their young children.  

Below are additional resources that may be able to help in times of need: 

• Family Peace Center (Rockford): Supports survivors of domestic violence, sexual abuse, elder abuse, and child abuse, with advocates, case workers, and support groups under one roof. Visit 315 N. Main Street, Rockford, IL 61101, Monday through Friday, 8 a.m. to 5 p.m., call (779) 348-7600, or go to rockfordfamilypeacecenter.org. 

• Illinois Domestic Violence Hotline: Call 1-877-863-6338, 24 hours a day. 

• National Domestic Violence Hotline: Call 1-800-799-7233, text START to 88788, or chat at thehotline.org, 24 hours a day. 

At YWCA Northwestern Illinois, we believe everyone deserves the power to make their own choices, including choices about money. Together, we’re building a community where everyone holds the keys to their own future.